As a Mum I know you want to have a great relationship with your daughter. And as she grows up you may hope to become best friends, a little like Kate and Goldie may be.
But do you have the close relationship with your Mum that you hope to have with your daughter?
At this time of year living up to your Mums expectations or doing things your way not hers can add extra conflict to an already stressful time. Whether you choose to try and please her or exert your own authority, somehow when you are with your Mum, you resort to feeling like the little girl you once were. No matter how much you love your Mum this can often make the relationship challenging especially at Christmas.
A couple of years ago a friend of mine was in a similar position. By her own admission her relationship with her Mum had never been easy until I shared my Red Car/ Blue Car story with her.
Suppose we are stood next to a main road and I ask you to count the number of red cars that pass by us over a period of 5 minutes. When the 5 minutes is up I ask you “How many Red Cars did you see?” It would not be difficult for you to give me an answer.
I then ask “ How many Blue Cars did you see?“ You may object at this point, you may say something like ” But you didn’t ask me to count Blue Cars”
“True but do you think any blue cars passed us in that time?”
I think you would agree that during the 5 minutes at least one blue car would have passed us but because I asked you to focus on red cars you didn’t see the blue.
This is also true of the qualities we see in others.
If you have decided that you do not like something your Mum does or may be she irritate you in some way then your brain will constantly look for examples of her behaving in a way you do not like. It is constantly saying to you ” Here is another example that justifies how you feel about her” There will always be lots of such examples but in focusing on the behaviour you do not like you miss all the kind and loving things that your Mum does because your brain does not flag those to you.
To improve your relationship with your Mum, or any relative, you simply need to start focusing on her good points.
A great way of doing this is to write 3 good points about her in your journal each night, before you go to sleep. Once you start to change your focus the magic happens and your reward will be a better relationship with your Mum.
I know this sounds a little crazy but try it and see what happens for you. My friend did this 2 years ago and her relationship with her Mum is now better than she could ever have imagined. She loves her Mum and now loves spending time with her.
If you doubt in any way that we can miss the obvious because of our focus copy and paste the following YouTube link. It is a classic but if you haven’t seen it before it is very revealing.